Dear Clouds,

Everything in me, freezes in fear as I look at you. 

I am trying to understand why I get so afraid,

what does seeing dark clouds touch in me.?

I want to understand and in that understanding 

move beyond the panic that I have felt for so long.

It's like waiting for a disaster to happen, pain, death. I feel 

helpless and so afraid. What if... What if...What if...

Help me to understand please.

Death and pain

Death and pain

Death and pain

that's all I see in you!!!

And, for so long dear one

you have known death and pain.

But hasn't everyone done the same?

Am I that different...

or is it that I have not allowed myself to truly feel the pain??

Have the pain recognized?

And sometimes the loss ...is not necessarily 

actual death

but the deep feeling of 

loss and abandonment...

Remember little Cynthia being angry with you

because she felt you had not acknowledged her deep pain.

Feeling so alone.. so young
where is my mother?

where is my sister?

where is my daddy?

Pick me up,

hold me

I am so afraid

and 

alone.

And how many other times have you 

felt alone and lost

and you pushed it down

and kept walking

because when you tried to share

the people you chose to share with,
 were not able 

to hear your pain.

You had a hard time 

expressing your feelings

because 

sharing your feelings 

was seen as being emotional 

in a negative way,

and if you needed a hug

you were labeled 

"huggy kissy...!!"

Sooo alone you were...

I finally take the time
to walk through
the pain..
and acknowledge
all of it.

 I have all to often minimized

the pain of these losses...
Others have suffered so much more.
I say...
Pain is pain...and it hurts.
Thank you for giving me the courage
to walk through the pain of my early life, and this time
to be open and honest
about how and what I feel.

This part of my journey was not easy...
and I am most grateful to now know
that all of these "lost lives"
are far from lost..
and walk with me daily.

Dark clouds will come...
and as they do
I will remember...
how Love has walked with me..
how family members reached out to me.
Family of Birth and Adoption
Family of Mercy
Family of Friends.
how death in not an ending but a beginning
and that
It is a journey into
New Life

Thank you Love, and Clouds
for challenging me to
finally
take the time
to acknowledge and  walk through
 my pain.